The Exciting Holiday Adventures of Peptoman!


Out of nowhere, the call to action came. And Peptoman was ready.

He prepared himself for the descent. With his trusty chewable and capsule weapons strapped to his belt, he jumped down the esophageal slide to face the danger that we was sworn to fight.

Peptoman plunged into the stomach pool that signaled the end of his ride down. He began his search for threats that were causing all the upheaval his benefactor felt. He started wading towards the exit to the intestinal halls when a sinister voice boomed, “Peptoman! So we meet again!” followed by a cackling laughter.

He whirled around and saw his nemesis: Doctor Ham. Doctor Ham wore a greasy smile and rubbed his meaty hands together. Peptoman was not surprised. After all, it was the holiday season. Doctor Ham was a foe he had faced many a time, especially during the festivities this time of year. And every time he’d faced Doctor Ham, Peptoman prevailed. He’d have to be on his toes, but he wasn’t worried.

“And yet again, you’ll meet your demise!” Peptoman roared back, confident and full of swagger.

“Ah, I see you think you have the upper hand. Indeed, in the past you have. That’s why I brought a few friends…” Doctor Ham let that last sentence hang.

A huge rumble sounded off to Peptoman’s right as a monstrous THING rose from the pool. It towered over him, covering him in shadow. Whatever it was, it didn’t seem to have a form. Mostly it resembled a small mountain.

“Prepare to meet your doom…from Potatolanche!” Doctor Ham gleefully exclaimed.

A hole opened up in the middle of this mashed potato monster and it roared. LOUDLY. Then it began to tumble down upon itself, rushing at our hero with incredible speed and force, closing on him fast.

But Peptoman was faster. He sprang into the air while grabbing a chewable from his belt. He broke it into four pieces and flung them into Potatolanche. They hit their target and were absorbed into its bulk. He aimed himself at the gaping maw, he threw a full chewable into the roaring thing’s mouth. He stretched up to fly over the mass of potatoes that were trying to swallow him. Then a series of explosions erupted, blowing hunks of Potatolanche everywhere. The mountain screamed, then it burst apart and splattered, thanks to the final chewable doing its job.

Peptoman landed back in the pool as the last of Potatolanche settled next to him.

He looked to Doctor Ham and said “Is that all you’ve got?” a smile of victory on his pink face.

“Not by a long shot. Let’s see how you deal with…The Pied Pieper!” He clapped his slimy hands together, then a dozen or so triangular shapes darted past him, zeroing in on Peptoman.

They zipped around, weaving and rolling. Our hero reached for his capsules. The objects moving at him, he saw, were pieces of pie: apple and pecan, bent on destroying our Pink Crusader. He stood his ground as they rushed at him, waiting for his flying foes to get closer.

Suddenly Peptoman’s hands were a blur, flinging capsules Frisbee-style at the pie pieces intent on his destruction. One, two, three pie pieces destroyed, a fantastic rain of fruit, nuts, and crust coming down in their wake. One capsule missed its target, a piece of apple pie dodging the pink bullet.

“Ha!” Doctor Ham laughed.

His excitement was short-lived. In a flurry of hands and capsules, Peptoman cleared the air of all pie pieces. The Pied Pieper was no more.

He stood victorious, the embodiment of #PinkRelief.

“Any other surprises you have for me? Or is it finally time we battled it out?”

Without warning or hesitation, Doctor Ham sprung at him, stringy arms coming at him from all angles. He yelled, enraged that Peptoman had his measure yet again. “You will NOT win this time!”

Peptoman crouched, again using his patience. He had to time this just right.

Just as Doctor Ham was almost on top of him, Peptoman pulled his helmet off and pushed a stream of Pepto-Bismol into the face of his nemesis.

“AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!” his foe screamed in agony as our hero turned his head and doused the rest of Doctor Ham. He plunged into the stomach pool, defeated again.

“#PinkRelief never fails,” Peptoman said. “My work here is done.”


At least that’s how I picture Pepto-Bismol and #PinkRelief waging war against my overeating during the holidays. Have I mentioned how much I love superhero movies?

*Pepto has compensated me for this fanciful post. No food items were harmed in this imaginary gastrointestinal war. Please visit for all your #PinkRelief needs!